I have, over the past 10 years, used a variety of excuses as to why I haven’t met my fitness goals. Including, but not limited to the list below:
- I work a lot.
- My husband and I just got separated.
- I wasn’t athletic as a child.
- I never played sports.
- My hips are tight.
- I’m going through a divorce.
- I have an injury.
However, I’ve never been one to say:
- It’s too hard.
- I’m too tired.
- I’ll start tomorrow.
- I don’t have the time.
I’ve always considered my excuses legit…but, really, isn’t that what everyone thinks of their own excuses? Thinking back, I wonder if the above excuses actually were legit, or if I was just being lazy, or scared. I wonder this today not because I don’t want to go to the gym because the workout is hard or because I don’t have the time; it’s because the number one Stressor I have in my life right now is making me want to run home straight after work, take a Tylenol PM, jump in the shower, and hide under the covers. Which, by the way, is how I spent most of October, November, and December 2014.
That’s the thing about suffering from depression; sometimes you don’t have a choice no matter how hard you try. Years ago, when my ex husband was diagnosed with bipolar depression, I thought that he was just lazy and that he lacked proper coping skills. He was an introvert as it was and I thought that this was all just part of his personality. Now, however, as I force myself to figure out how I ended up this way, I now understand that, depression is debilitating.
When I started taking antidepressants in December, I was reluctant. I don’t like to put chemicals in my body. I suffered from some major side effects and decided to go off of them. Yesterday was my first full day with out them and I felt just fine…great even. I felt strong after my workout and had accomplished all my fitness and nutrition goals for the day. I went to bed, in my bed instead of the on the couch, at a reasonable time and slept through most of the night. I even woke up early today and had extra time to enjoy drinking my coffee. Things were looking up.
But then something happened…
I couldn’t figure out what to wear. Not really a big deal. Most women have this problem, so I should be used to it.
But I couldn’t figure out what to wear because I felt fat.
I felt fat because I haven’t been able to stick to my routine because of my depression.
I got mad at myself for not sticking with my routine..and then I remembered I needed gas…and then, as a result, I was late to work.
As I drove frantically to work, I thought of the reason for my depression and it made me want to take the steps towards eliminating that factor in my life.
Which made me want to contact my Stressor so that I could tell him that we can’t continue to have the relationship that we currently do.
And then I did.
He agreed to meet with me, but said he wasn’t free until “sometime next week”.
And that I took personally…as if I’m not important.
And all of this makes me want to hide in my bed until I hear from him that he is available.
So, that one little thing caused me to spiral into the state that I’m currently in. And that’s the thing about depression. It’s like having an umbrella that is too small in the middle of a thunderstorm. All of these things are pouring down around you and you don’t have the tools to help yourself survive.
I will go to the gym today. I might not make it to my second workout, but I will do something. Even though I don’t want to.
But, I don’t want to stand in the rain either.